01 / Current condition
Graeme, by the numbers.
Chronological age
39
Until further notice.
Age on October 13
Classified
Please stop asking invasive questions.
Official birthday posture
Grace under pressure
Subject to revision after martini two.
Likelihood of being reminded he's 40
100%
Despite very clear instructions not to.
02 / Guest guidance
A few things before you arrive.
Attire
Look expensive. Black helps.
Food
There will be enough to graze. This is not Thanksgiving.
Bar
Yes.
Transportation
Uber there. Figure out the rest later.
Arrival time
8PM. Fashionably late has limits.
Departure time
Aspirational.
+1s
Please RSVP for everyone in your party. Surprise humans create math.
03 / Frequently avoided questions
Things we know you're going to ask anyway.
Is there a theme?
No.
But if you arrive looking boring, that's between you and God.
Is this dinner?
Absolutely not.
Grazing. Cocktails. Mingling. Manage your blood sugar like an adult.
Can I drive?
Technically.
Spiritually, no.
Should I bring a gift?
Your presence.
And perhaps your restraint when discussing age.
Will there be cake?
There will be a moment.
Please act surprised.
Will Graeme make it to 11PM?
We believe in him.
No further comment at this time.
04 / Official position
The campaign's statement.
Developing situation
Graeme is turning 40. Apparently.
Representatives for Graeme have declined to confirm the number, citing privacy concerns, poor recordkeeping, and a general unwillingness to engage with hostile age-based questioning. The celebration will proceed as scheduled.
05 / House rules
For legal and emotional reasons.
Rule 01
Do not say “the big 4-0.” We have all suffered enough.
Rule 02
No one is allowed to ask what time things are “wrapping up.”
Rule 03
Do not arrive with a bottle of wine and announce you “didn't know what to bring.”
Rule 04
Photographs are encouraged. Evidence is negotiable.
Rule 05
If you hear “one more,” understand that this is rarely accurate.
End of useful information
You've seen enough.
Return to the actual invitation and RSVP like a functioning member of society.
Fine, take me back to Partiful
Graeme After Dark is not responsible for missed Ubers, overconfident martini orders,
emotional speeches, or any claim that 40 is “the new 30.”